The Beginning
It was not exceptionally long ago that I could look at you, and you can make my entire world feel secure and comfortable. Oh, how did you make me feel that I was your everything? Working together daily, joking, playing, and going to lunches became my daily habit. I remember the first time you told me you knew you would marry me. We were in the Cracker Barrel for lunch, and I put honey on my biscuit and ordered a child’s version of chicken and dumplings. At that moment, you looked at me, smiled, and said you are going to be my wife one day. And I believed we were made for each other. This was the beginning of our journey, which would last for 19 years.
My Comfort in you
While my life was busy, confusing, and world-spinning with two small children, working a full-time job, and just trying to hold myself together, you seemed as if you were a comfort zone for me at the end of the day. These were the times you would let me know you actually appreciated me. You understood the trials and tribulations I was going through, still holding myself together and managing a career. It was never the fact that I needed you. But these would be the days you would surprise me with a trip, dinner, dancing with me because you just knew I loved dancing, or showing up at my house at 10:00 at night just because you wanted to see me. In my eyes, we blend perfectly together. You took my bad days and made them better. You would never know the pressures I had as a single mom raising children on my own, working a full-time job, and just trying to make it from day to day without one crazy thing happening; you have a little peace.
We married a year later in a gazebo with the snow falling around us, Blowing Rock, NC. It almost seemed magical. It did not take long for you to talk me into selling my house and moving into yours, and that is just what I would do. Not because I had to but because you knew what was right for me and us, and I was willing to make changes for you because you made me feel so secure in every way. It is funny how things can change in just a few short years.
It’s no fairytale
I will let you adopt my children, whom you adore. They took your last name, and so did I. As a mom, I thought I was doing the right thing because the number one thing I always try to do is protect my children and my heart. Looking back, while you were a good dad for the most part, no one is perfect. I see all the things that may have gone wrong. The red flags are somehow ignored, and 20 years later, while I cannot undo things that have happened, I can see where I went wrong in believing in a fairy tale of love with a friend and not seeing the natural person underneath.
I thought I knew what heartbreak was.
Sometimes, I feel like my life could be a book, chronicling the 19 years I spent with you and the lessons I never thought I’d learn. Before you, I thought I knew what heartbreak was, but 19 years later, I can say that no one has ever shattered me like you. Being second in your life for 19 years has finally broken every piece of me. So, when does love to become enough to endure the heartache, the feeling of never being good enough, always being second? You expect me to be a Good Wife, but I can say I’m exhausted. I’ve been exhausted from being The Good Wife for 19 years.
One way relationship
Many people look at me and see my life and the things that they notice from the outside looking in, but not everything is what it appears. I have had my difficulties. I’ve been divorced, started careers, and made things out of my life that most women only wish for. I have always believed that you should change something if you don’t like it. Happiness is a choice. So, I chose to make my happiness, or should I say what I believed happiness was. I would slowly understand that happiness and love are not one way. One person in a relationship can change their entire world/life for someone. However, a relationship cannot be one-way. Initially, I thought I was your world, or so I thought. I never thought you wanted to change everything about me and my world for you to be happy, while you didn’t believe in changing anything or being the man I fell in love with. I realized that love should be mutual, and it was a hard lesson to learn that it was not the case in our relationship.
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Reflecting on my strength
Despite the challenges, I am not a weak woman. I’ve always believed that weakness could never help a woman be decisive. But now, looking back, I can see that I was weak when I allowed things to slide and made excuses for how you made me feel. I’ve realized my strength and resilience through my weakness with you. I will always love you, but I do not have to like how you make me feel.
