Over and Over
When everything feels like all your feelings for so long are finally at the front door, and you’re looking directly at them, all the feelings you’ve told him over and over for 19 years are now looking back at you with the truth that you were not wrong. This was my Christmas 2024, and five days after.
Over the years, I’ve said many times that I have never been first in your eyes, that you’ve always put people before me, and you’ve always looked at your friends as family and not your actual family as family. The truth is, even after I’ve told you so many times how you are when it comes to everyone else, you’ve let me know that they will always come before me because they’ve been with you longer than me, and I am your wife. While this hurts me, you say it to me repeatedly and have for many years not just telling me but proving it to me over and over.
Friendships look different
You kept your friends separate from your wife and new family for several years after our marriage. Now I know why. While I always tried to give you the benefit of the doubt because you always said they have smaller children, we were pregnant with our first child together, and it took them 14 years to even meet him. You would defend them because “Kristina, they have always been there for me. It doesn’t matter.” This is what you would tell me. But I looked at friendship differently than you always have.
Care factor zero
After many years, I decided to try to be friends with your friends because you never wanted to be friends with mine. We planned trips together, and while his wife even knew you would compare me to them and their marriage, it didn’t seem to faze them, and nothing seemed to change. This is not their fault; it is all on my husband. I even planned a trip to Hawaii for us and your best friends. Because my husband always told me our entire marriage, Hawaii was a place he would like to go. For nearly six months before the trip, he would start arguing over the trip, not knowing why he would always want to discuss it. He finally let me know that he feels torn when he’s around me and his friends. And boy, I saw it whenever we got there. What I remember about Hawaii is that I walked on the beach three times by myself, never with my husband one time. When I told him, his response was you need to ask me if you want me to walk with you somewhere; otherwise, I assume you don’t need me to. Care factor zero for your wife. When you look at the pictures, your arms are never around me, and you’re never holding my hand. Truthfully, we don’t even look like a couple, and I see it but keep denying it. I went on an excursion for you all, not for me, and got so car sick. But you let me know before we ever went that my adventurous side didn’t need to come out, so it didn’t, and I did the excursion that I should as a responsible wife, causing me to get carsick. After this trip, I realized one major thing: while it was supposed to be a couple’s trip, I felt more like it was a trip for the three of you, and I was just the 4th wheel, as I usually do feel when I’m around all of you.
Who are you putting first?
When we went to their daughter’s wedding, we didn’t even get out of the car to make it up to the church doors, and you left me, your son, and his girlfriend. Your response to me was that you had to take family pictures, yet you left your family to do it. Once more, we’re the ones out of place as usual. When I wanted to dance at the wedding reception, you told me that you don’t do that with me anymore, and I would dance by myself, never once with you, because that would be too embarrassing in front of your friends. And you would later admit to me that you would not do that in front of them or with me anymore, that the only reason you used to dance with me was to win my heart over, and now that you have me, what is the point? So yes, that broke my heart once more.
Show me you care
You said that we would be starting to be separated on Thanksgiving. You would not go to Thanksgiving meal with me and my family, yet you did not ever move out of this house so that we would be separated during Thanksgiving. You took a few things to the lake, and within five hours, you were back. And you would be at the house until I left on December 13th to go on my trip to the Virgin Islands, just a quick getaway I needed as I felt like all we did was argue. You put on a happy face in front of your sister-in-law as you always do in front of everyone. Yet when I left, you didn’t text, call, or anything. You didn’t even know if my plane landed or if I made it to the island. You never knew I was OK until I walked back through the front door on December 16th, when I told you how this hurt my feelings because you didn’t care. Your response to me was that the phone worked both ways. I wonder why you keep hurting my feelings over and over again. I tell you, and you don’t care. Once more, you will say to me they’re just feelings. Kristina, get over them.
It’s all about your feelings
I could count on two fingers how many days you spent away between Thanksgiving until you officially left for work on December 17th, and I would not see you again until the 24th when you would pop up at the house and wonder why I wasn’t happier to see you. This is when you would tell me you would spend Christmas with your best friends and family because you wanted a good Christmas and haven’t had one with us in many years. “But I’ll stay if you’ve got me a big gift. But we both agreed that you weren’t going to get me a gift, correct?” That’s what you told me. Then you laughed and said that it should be funny. “Another reason I need to spend time with them is because they think I’m funny and you don’t.” I just smiled and said have a Merry Christmas, and enjoy your time with them as you always let me know you do. They’ve put pictures on social media so the world can see you with their family at Christmas. And while I have no problem with them doing this, I knew it would cause everyone to ask you why you were with them. You would be more than proud to tell them that we were separated, and truthfully, we haven’t been separated very much at all until recently, and boy has it opened my eyes. Christmas Day, you would tell your mother, your brother, and all of your other family, and you know who I’m talking about, that we were separated and tell them all the details. You never wanted me to tell one person we were separated. My mom, dad, best friend, and children know. My brothers don’t even know. What hurts me is that you were so mad about me putting a photo up of you dancing at the wedding with their daughter. You let me know that it was not a picture that needed to be put up because it would hurt your daughter’s feelings and to take it off Facebook, which I did. But because you’re best friends make you look like a glorious part of their family so that you can be questioned and have to explain your marriage to people, you are more than happy to let them put it up on their social media for the world to see and never once do you say anything to them. Once again, I know where your wife and children stand, and I’ve said for years that we are always second to certain things and people.
The way you spin things
You had a procedure at the hospital today, December 30th. I’ve asked you five times if you needed me to take you to your procedure, and I even wrote it on the calendar. You repeatedly told me that you and your best friend have everything taken care of. And after you’ve gone back and forth to the doctor before this procedure, you have not told me anything. You didn’t tell me where the procedure was going to take place at, what time the procedure was, who the doctor was doing the procedure, and what type of procedure it was for kidney stones. And you want to know why you make me feel like we’re not married because it doesn’t matter how many times I ask you, you only tell me what you want and make it out like we’re not married unless it’s conducive to you. My care factor is dwindling, and I am tired. When I let you know that you had not given me any information today, you acted as if you had given me information once more, as you always spin it. But the truth be known, you always wanted your friend to take you, and we both know it. You just needed a reason, and I would be the reason so that you could ask him to take you.
My feelings have been telling me things all these years, and I was not listening
And I know you would spin it another way because you usually do. When I tell you my feelings, all I ever get in return repeatedly is the same words from you. “It’s just your little feelings, Kristina. Feelings are just feelings. Get over it.” I think I’m finally getting over my feelings!!!!! I’m tired of being hurt. I’m tired of telling you my feelings and you telling me they’re not worth having. I’m tired of playing second in your life for so many years, and I’ve never been first. While I have cried more in the last five days than I feel like I have in the previous 5 years, I finally realize that while I have loved you, you’ve never loved me the same. I’ve given you the benefit of the doubt all these years and tried to look at things from your perspective. But now I know I was just blind to how you make me feel and how you treat me and my feelings. I heard the perfect saying for us today, and there should be my new motto…. Someone who truly values and genuinely loves you will never put you in a position to lose you. And I have not felt valued and loved for an exceptionally long time by you. So, I should say thank you to my Christmas 2024 for opening my eyes to the truth that’s been in front of me all these years. The truth that I’ve been talking to you about all these years, and you’ve never cared because they’re just feelings. But the hard truth is bottom line, my feelings are proof of how you treat me, and I wouldn’t have these feelings if you didn’t give me a reason.
So here I’m hoping that 2025 Brings me New Hope, peace, and understanding as I know that there is nothing wrong with having feelings, and sometimes your feelings are your gut telling you the truth.
